The Blog of Mr. Buckner

I’ve seen alot but I have never seen something so terrifying as the day I was dragged to an anal sex class. Prepare to be dazzled, well no…prepared to be scared as much as I was.

I’d like to give you a little backstory to start off. So at the time this happened I had been living in a studio apartment with my best friend and someone who I thought was a friend. Anyways, the so called friend, Josh, is a man-whore. Sexes up anything with a vaginal cavity. He meets this girl and a week later she wants to go learn about the butt sex. He tells me and my other friend, Derek about it and asks if we want to go. We reply no. Two days later Josh’s gay friend Daniel arrives to visit looking for a lawyer intern job for next summer. Daniel is told about this and is on board.

Another day passes and it is the day of the class. I have nothing to do and they were getting ready to leave. I asked if they could swing by the theater on Sunset so I could watch me a movie. They agree. I should have stayed home. As we are driving to the supposed movie theater I am tricked, deceived, lowballed. I have just learned that are taking me to the class with them. I claw at the door handle but the door is on auto lock. I panic and kick at the window frantically trying to break it to jump out. Well, fine, you caught me, that didn’t happen. I just sighed and said ok.

We get to the place of the class and it is a female oriented sex store. Strap on dildos with a hole for your penis, vibrators that look like weapons from Men In Black, and limp noodled dildos. Who the hell is going to get any pleasure out of a non-erect dildo? I don’t know but I see a fleshlight thing so I go to look at this monster. I get there and the vagina lips on it are covered in black residue from all of the people playing with it. I am sickened and step outside. I am scared. The class is now starting and I am dragged in.

Before the class ever starts we are asked to write down a question and a fantasy on a card. Interesting. I thought about writing something very sadistic and hilarious to me but then I decided not to as I might get arrested. So I pulled a Seinfeld and asked, “What is the deal with anal sex anyways?” and simply put my honest fantasy, “I have no prior fantasies and probably never will have a fantasy pertaining to this. I just came to learn.” They collect the cards and wouldn’t you know my card is first. Now, I must say, the butt sex teacher is very attractive and I’d like to sex her butt if you know what I mean. Get it? Anyways, she reads my card and tells the class that many have come into the class very uneasy but have came out more accepting of the pleasures of the anus. I get scared. I think we might have to practice it. I start overanalyzing.

The class starts and it’s different to say the least. She talks about the anatomy of the butthole as well as the man’s “P Spot” aka Prostate. We range from sticking fingers in the butthole to pure on bent over chocolatey badness. Now the finger sticking was the funniest part to me. as she used her hands as demonstration. You have to use one finger and slowly massage the butthole to relax it and as it relaxes you slowly slide that poop magnet in there. You wiggle it around and get that second digit knuckle deep. Soon enough you have your whole arm in there and are removing a kidney. Anyways she shows the use of the double dildo thing and I look over at Josh to see a smile at his face. He’s going to get in the butt from his woman of the week and possibly Daniel. Daniel is also excited. I can see him jacking off mentally.

Anyways, the only promising thing I heard while there was that we were going to watch a porno. I smiled and raised my hand and asked for the usual lube and lotion. No, I didn’t but I got a little happy. But then it all came crashing down. The porn starts up and it’s a black dude!!! Not only that he’s tearing that asshole up on this chick. Just destroying it. I am disgusted but can’t look away. It’s so terrifying but I can’t look away. The porno stops and I think I just threw up a bit in my mouth.

Then after the disturbing black on white sex we were treated of a tutorial of how to use the various sex toys correctly. They showed us butt plugs, anal beads, lubrication, strap ons and many other sick devices that I will surely never enjoy. The anal beads were very frightening. She had a string that had a ball the size of a baseball on there. Literally. We were also given pamphlets on the joys of anal douching and it’s promises that anal sex is good for you. Maybe, but I’d rather eat a nice bowl of Raisin Bran to blow out my colon.

Now I know that all of you or maybe just Taff of you are asking, why you be hating dog? I’m not, it’s perfectly all straight to have your woman give you a good slam from behind but that’s just not me. I am a vagina man. A vagina, legs, and smalls breasts man. I enjoy the finer things in life. And the thought of anal sex is not a fine thought to me. The class, though, overall was informative and taught me things in case I ever get locked into a cell and am told I have sixty second to perform anal sex on myself or the device on my head will explode into a rabbit and chew my eye out.

And just as I write this I realize a great little quick side story. So one day, while being near homeless, me and my friend Derek decide to go out and look for jobs as the third homeless, Matt, stays home. We come back after a long day of bicycling and job hunting to find him gone. I go into the bathroom to take a tinkle and gaze over into the shower and notice a footlong cucumber. I am perplexed. It wasn’t there this morning. I grab a roll of toilet paper and pick it up. It looks greasy. I take it out to show Derek. We have a good laugh. Matt obviously was trying the butt sex. He comes home and we ask him and this, no lie, is his excuse, “Oh. Well I was out in the kitchen making a sandwich and I saw the cucumber all dirty. So I went into the shower and cleaned it off and left it there.” Talk about stupid. We laughed at him.

Alright, well, that’s all I have. Hope you enjoyed it. I know I didn’t.